Leaving?

I think something's wrong with my liver.

I’ve been forgetting things whilst drunk a lot more often as of late, even when I had only in the range of ~7-9 shots.

Has something gone horribly awry?

What a Weekend

I spent the entire weekend at John’s (my boyfriend) house, magically without his mom finding out. I got really paranoid this morning, though, because she kept walking around upstairs and opening and closing the door (he lives in the basement).

Got HAMMERED on Friday. I was blackout, and apparently hit on 4/5 girls in the room, as the last one hates the shit out of me. We also got pulled over by a cop because SOMEONE is a dumbass and decided to take people’s pumpkins and smash them on the ground in front of the party house. Magically, no one got breathalyzed, despite the fact that even the person who was driving was drunk as shit.

The Halloween party we went to was lame, don’t want to remind myself. Sunday was also lame, and nothing happened. Nothing happened really slowly too.

And today… we had no school. So naturally me and John bought a forty of Steel Reserve and drank it whilst walking around town out of his jacket. Some of our friends went to VT over the weekend, and apparently one of them is even creepier than I already thought (and trust me, I thought he was creepy) and the other is a fiendy fiend (who we all thought was super cool). That kinda blew me.

I felt really depressed by the end of the day for reasons that are too complex to get into, but I ended up telling Alex all of the innermost parts of my psyche, realized I’m pretty fucking crazy, and now I feel light as a feather! Well, kinda. But I feel like I learned something today.

John’s ringtone is still really stuck in my head.

I'm a big girl.

I get over things that deserve to be over. My weeks are going by so fast now. Probably because as of now my life doesn’t have too much of a purpose.

Sigh. I need to find something to care about, or this is all going to feel incredibly pointless for a long time.

Oh, and I’m 17 now. Yay?

I love an alcoholic.

But he prefers the term “drunk”.

Oh Hello Ex-Boyfriend

You know I’m not over you right? Please remind me of how much you miss me and want to get back together when I’m going out with one of your best friends. Really, that makes it really easy to go along with my life as normal (and do mescaline next week, woo!).

I’m still really, really confused.

At least I got my cigarettes now.
And they remind me of my ex.

Something's up with my head.

Something is and has been off for the last week or so. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m really confused.

So basically I have a new boyfriend, and everything is moving along just swimmingly, despite my mother’s constant efforts to fuck with my and his heads. It’s really, really annoying, to be perfectly honest with you, when she’ll fucking constantly hold it over my head if I mess up at all. Talk about no pressure.

Seriously, I fucking hate that woman, and every single facial expression she makes make me want to tear her hideous dyke-y face off. Did I mention I’ve gotten much more violent since not being able to smoke because of school? Yeah, that part really isn’t going along so well.

I hate being such a teenager, but I hate being related to my parents. I honestly don’t love either of them, selfish bastards that they are, and they really are incapable of thinking about how anyone feels except themselves. I don’t know what to do. I have such a huge buildup of hostile energy in me that I keep thinking of how I would kill my mother. I think there’s something wrong with me.

I need a cigarette.